Unspoken rules of (intimate) relationships : By Ajit Sivaram

 

Incredible example of a deeply reflective and articulate mind penning down a set of beautiful insights. I probably don't agree with everything he has said, but I definitely want to think about all the points he makes :) 

A Post by Ajit Sivaram on LinkedIn (in July 2025)

The unspoken rules of relationships are the ones we never talk about.

They’re not written in books. Not taught in schools. Not passed down in family sessions. They exist in silent spaces between words, in pauses between texts, in things we swallow instead of say.

We enter relationships like explorers without maps, stumbling through emotional landscapes with only instinct and scars from our last expedition.

And it’s not easy.

Because no one tells you love isn’t just a feeling—it’s a skill. That compatibility isn’t found—it’s built. That the person who makes your heart race might be the same one who makes your soul ache.

The first unspoken rule? The one who cares less has more power.

We pretend this isn’t true. We write poems about equality. But in quiet moments, we know. The one who can walk away easier sets the temperature. The one who texts first, apologizes first, reaches out first—they’re more vulnerable, at risk.

So we play this game: wait an extra hour before replying, seem busy while waiting, pretend not to notice what keeps us up.

The second rule? Timing trumps compatibility.

You can meet your perfect match at the wrong time—and fail spectacularly. You can meet someone 70% right when you’re both ready—and it will work beautifully. We don’t talk about this. We talk soulmates. But relationships are less about who and more about when.

The third rule? What attracts you will eventually annoy you.

His spontaneity becomes unreliability. Her ambition becomes absence. His sensitivity becomes fragility. Her independence becomes distance. The traits that made you fall will make you stumble—and no one warns you.

The fourth rule? Love languages aren’t preferences—they’re survival mechanisms.

When someone needs words of affirmation, it’s not just nice—it’s necessary. When someone needs physical touch, it’s not just comfort—it’s oxygen. We dismiss these as quirks when they’re lifelines. How someone gives love is often how they need to receive it.

The fifth rule? Most relationships don’t end with a bang—they end with silence.

Not dramatic scenes. Not shouting matches. But the quiet decision to stop trying. The moment you look at your phone and don’t share your thought. The night you turn away instead of toward. The slow death of effort.

The cruelest rule? Sometimes love isn’t enough.

You can love someone fully and still be unable to build a life with them. You can understand someone perfectly and still be unable to give them what they need. You can forgive someone entirely and still need to walk away.

We enter relationships looking for happiness when we should seek growth.
For someone who makes us more ourselves, not less.
For someone who sees our shadows and doesn’t run.

The final unspoken rule?
The relationship you have with yourself sets the bar for every other relationship.

And that’s the one they should have taught us first.

ps - tanya and I are doing well =) no subliminal messaging in this post ;)